Children and Divorce
By Lori Secouler-Beaudry, Ph.D., Registered Psychologist

As a clinical Psychologist, I am often asked how a particular couple's children will react to their divorce. Since the breakup of a family will affect children in a number of ways, in order to answer this question I must first ask about the children's ages and the relationship that they already have with their parents. These factors will greatly influence a child's ability to adapt to new family situations. The nature of the parent-child relationship is extremely important. Both parents, if possible, should give continued emotional support to their children. The challenge is to rise above your distress and reassure your child that even though Mom and Dad are not going to be together, they will still stay Mom and Dad. "We both still love you very much - and we will continue to work together to make sure you are OK." In other words, the configuration changes, but the parenting continues with minor changes. You might say this kind of parenting never happened when the family was together - so start it now! This is your chance to make a difference despite the adverse conditions. A parenting style that blends clear authority with flexibility and understanding has been seen to be the best for helping children develop emotionally. This includes consistency, age-appropriate limit setting, firm behavioral guidelines without overly harsh punishment, acceptance of the child as a unique individual with a need to explore, and the ability to help the child learn from mistakes. The age of the child at the time of the divorce has an impact on how well the child will adapt. The following is a guide based on North America's leading Child Development Psychologists.

• Pre-school children do not understand that divorce is permanent and they may react with what is termed separation anxiety; clingy behavior, not wanting to go to day care or pre-school. The concept of time is not fully understood to these children, so a statement about seeing Daddy on the weekends might not be fully understood and there may be a fear of abandonment (by one or both parents). Constant reassurance will be necessary at this age, because young children's memory storage is not as efficient as yours and they forget what you have told them - and since you are probably trying to reassure yourself at the same time, this may be exasperating. Keep your answers simple and direct since they will only attend to what is understandable for their stage of development. Pre-school children tend to cope better than children who are older when their parents divorce.

• Children who are 6 to 8 years old may react to divorce by becoming frightened or angry. They may show grief and fantasize that their parents will reconcile. A lot of acting out to keep you from focusing on your own issues might happen now. Unconsciously, some children think that if you are worrying about their behavior, you will reconcile with your spouse in order to deal with it. (Which is another really good reason for good limit setting and consistency during the divorce itself and definitely after. They need to know that they can trust you to be there for them.)

• Children who are 9 to 12 years old have been seen to be especially prone to loyalty conflicts and to choosing sides. This is what is normally happening in the school yard, and it will happen in the home. This is not a good time to ask your child which parent they want to stay with. They will have guilt no matter which parent they choose and may later resent you when they are older for asking them to be disloyal. (A nine year old girl I was acquainted with was asked who she wanted to live with, and she chose her aunt - knowing that this would be the least disloyal thing to do. Both parents were angry with her decision and the girl, now a grownup, is still amazed that her parents thought she should be placed in such a position.) Make the decision based on the welfare of the child; if you have to change it later, the child will be more able to deal with loyalty issues if you are aware of the issue yourself. You might see a sharp drop in school work at this time; so reassurance, consistency and firm guidelines is again the appropriate response.

• Adolescents tend to react to divorce by trying to understand their parent's motives, and by withdrawing. Some may become depressed and angry. Listen to their anger (if you are able to get them to verbalize it) and let them know you understand. Again, firm limit setting and consistency will help to mediate the upheaval that comes from changing what has been the norm - good or bad - for more than a decade of this child's life. Keep the amount of change in your child's life to a minimum so they will have only the disruption of a divorce to cope with. (This will be difficult enough.) Self esteem and self confidence are connected to peers and stable relationships, so moving from one place to another (even Mom to Dad's house every weekend) may prove to be more than a child can cope with. There needs to be a sense of order in the world for a child to hold onto. The more changes, particularly right after the divorce, the harder the adjustment may be. Please remember also, as I have stated before, not every child will have adjustment problems. However, in order to prevent potential problems it is important to know that the age of your child does make a difference, and to be aware of what you can do to make a difference at every stage.

For more information please contact Roth Associates in Psychology at 454-6166.